Waiting....

I pretty much buy any book that I see. Because of this my room has suffered greatly. I used be one of those kids that just plays video games all the time, but then you can say I had an epiphany. Yes the only word that can describe what happened. I just couldn't understand what I found so fascinating about video games. Maybe it was my way of passing the time. Or it could just be the simple fact that I don't really have any friends so I simply just pass the time playing with people that are the same as me. Who knows! But what i do know is that i just woke up one day and decided that I wasn't going to let my social status decide if I enjoy my life. I mean come on I live in the greatest city in the world New York City! That day happened about a month ago, and know I am a Barnes and Nobles member I usually spend my days with my nose inside a book in the cafe eating blondies and Starbucks coffee. Its better then staying home I always say because when I'm home I always get the speech on how I don't have room service and no girl is going to date a man that can't even keep his room clean. Oh and I almost forgot to mention how my mother complains about spending money on a flatscreen TV which is as I like to say a youth killer that only cares about making enough money for white collar conservatives to buy a summer home. well when i said that my room has paid dearly for my addiction to Barnes and Nobles I wasn't kidding.

I like to pride myself on the fact that I dont need anyone, its something that people say is so negative about me. I dont't trust anyone, which is probably why im always alone. but hey like Dallas Green said "Hoping a better place is all I need".

Man does this guy write great music. But why should I be sad, I know things will change for me one day things will be different

Round and Round

I want to be someone in life that can be remembered. When I get married and have kids and then they have kids I want them to ask about my life and what it was like. Here I am sitting in Barnes and Noble in New York City and the only thing I can think about is whats next for me, my mind is just spinning circles round and round. And it fills with just thoughts and memories. Please just remember me.

The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

I made a big decision a little while ago.
I don't remember what it was, which prob'ly goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential
Even though it often might appear inconsequential.

I must have been distracted when I left my home because
Left or right I'm sure I went. (I wonder which it was!)
Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction
Utterly absorbed, it seems, it seems, in quite introspection.

For no reason I can think of, I've wondered far astray.
And that is how I got to where i find myself today.

- Bill Waterson 1992

I Fucking Love Music

I love music. Let’s just start out with that. So here I am sitting in my room looking at my red walls (yes my walls are the color of blood so what don't judge me people) after a boring but routine session of masturbating (I’m man enough to admit it even though most people deny that they don’t, but you know it’s healthy means that I’m still a living and breathing fuckinghomosapien, and no not homo as in not being attracted to the opposite sex and fuck you if you think there’s something wrong with that; now I’m getting of topic shit)in my masterbatorium when it all of a sudden it hits me. My dream in life as pathetic as this probably sounds is to be, a journalist/writer.Yes I want to be a journalist/writer but not one these miserable self loathing pricks that just write about the miserable life that he has. No that won’t be me what the fuck is the point of complaining about how hard life is news flash buddy, life is hard. I’m fucking seventeen years old and I know this so you think I want to read about it now. That’ll be worst then sitting through a James Blunt concert. But yea as I was saying I want to be a journalist/writer and by I know I’m guessing your probably wondering why I implied that I love music in the beginning. Well if you are then please get off of this blog I have no patience for people with shit for brains who can’t figure out that I want to write about music.

Women are the biggest tease.

Well I’m guessing that most of you know what magazine that is yes? Well if you don’t to fucking bad maybe you've been living in a cave for the past twenty years I don’t give a shit but if you don’t you seriously need to get out more. Well this is rolling stone magazine. Hands down the best magazine ever invented besides playboy and maxim. But yea let’s not stray from the fact that this magazine is where I hope to see my writing in when I grow up. My teachers all say that it is possible if I work really hard but let’s be fucking honest here people. I can work like one those Asians you here about that work in sweatshops and I still won’t be good enough. But you see the thing about me is that I won’t stop till I get what I want and that’s what I want. I want to be a writer for rolling stone magazine and I will one day even if it kills me.

Id kill to fall asleep

It’s three in the morning and I’m wondering, why can’t I fall asleep? All these things just keep coming into my head. People always ask me where I see myself in five years. I always say I picture myself graduating from college and having this amazing career and girlfriend. But to be honest I don’t see any of it happening it for me. Everyone in school is so excited because the school year is almost over and they’ll be going to their fancy schools and grow up to be successful responsible adults. I can’t fucking stand it. I always say to myself that I’m not going to turn into one of those people. A siborg that’s just told what to do and lets money govern their lives, yes money is good but it’s not everything. I want to write. That where I want to see myself in five years. Most people wouldn’t look twice at a career as a writer because let’s face it not everyone makes it. But I just don’t see myself doing anything else. Being a cyborg just sounds a bit to robatronic lol. Yes I just used laugh out loud in a sentence but screw it not everything has to be by the book.

It seems that I have not discovered

What it means to burn bright

I’ve been extinguished

By the night

I scream, I cry

But these attempts rendered meaningless

Is this all but a dream

I’ve been walking with a ghost

It seems I am but an entity

Simply not there

But then I fight

I grasp hope tight

And start a fire

That burns so bright

Inside

I quickly search for light

Because it can be found in the darkest of times

I come home from school today to find my mom arguing with our neighbor. It just never gets old she always butts into people’s business and never lets up. I sometimes feel that she even forgets to worry about and her family. it was pretty funny though they were arguing about how loud he played music but it’s funny because my mom plays music herself and so wouldn't that make her a hypocrite? I can’t really understand her sometimes. One day she lets me go out and doesn’t care what time I get home. But then there’s times when she calls me every fucking minuet. But as crazy as it sounds, she reminds me of whom I used to be. She gets influenced by people so easily and I hate that. I’m not from Mexico but we went there for vacation 2 summers ago to my mom’s friend’s dad’s house and when we got there my mom’s friends dad was telling m mom how to raise and I felt as if I wanted to kill him. He literary told her that I am very disrespectful and rude when he didn't even know me that well. She starts listening to him and tries what he told her. It was kind of funny though because my aunt couldn’t stop laughing at the fact that he talks about me but never of my high school dropout brother. But I don’t get me wrong I love my mother I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for her. And people love her to, we planned an amazing surprise party for her, we had three cakes it was insane. But the one on the right was disgusting because I hate fruit cake. It’s a long story but it happened about three summers ago when I went to the Dominican Republic.

But enough about the cake the one thing that caught my attention was how happy and great that night was. I seen my mom the happiest she has been in a while. She’s always cooped up in our house and never really goes out. But to see that so many people cared about her was good for me. It was a big deal for me because in a year from now I’m thinking of going away for college which is a pretty big deal for me and her. I still haven’t really figured out which college I plan to go to so I am going to stay in a community college for a year so I can earn my associates degree so she’s stuck with me for another year which I can tell she’s happy about. But I don’t think she’s happy about the profession that I have chosen. I want to be a journalist but she wants me to be something that I can make a good living out of. But I know that journalism is a very competitive career but I love it. I’m on my school newspaper and I just love writing about the world and our community.

My moms the one on the right standing up. I’m thinking of telling her on my birthday that I want to travel for a year around India or Europe when I finish college. I’m turning the big 18 coming can’t wait

this year will end in arson for me. i will burn down all of it. all the things that have made the people around me into who they are. they've turned into these little judgmental gremlins that come with instructions and everything. always giving me these looks that make it look like the flesh is going to peel of my bones. but i am not upset. im not upset at all about who my friends have become. some people are just meant to be acquaintance in your life. while others are there forever. im coming off as angry i think but i really am not honestly. im just amazed on what my life has become. about who i have become. i used to be so sensitive and gullible. but now i actually feel like i am my own person and not someone just being told what to do. it feels good. i feel good. i feel like as if i have been born again. but i think that i worry about other people to much. i always want to help someone who feels lonely or sad. it pains me to see people like this. but its normal for me to see these emotions. like Ryan Adams said when your young you get sad.

this man is an amazing artist this album has helped me through breakups and the works. i feel like as if i have left this post unfinished but i dont know what else i should add to it. and i dont want to save it because i know i wont come back to it. these are just some random thoughts going through my head right know. i haven t really figured out where im heading in life but i certainly know where iv been and i never want to go back again. im sort of a cornball when it comes to these things but i love my corniness it something that really defines me.